It’s always great to get the season started off with a win, and even better when it comes at the expense of family. The Wicked Oil Profiteer$ went into Bockville and put one on Dad’s Bock Boys by a score of 36 – 17, to get their season off on the right foot.

The game was won and lost on the defensive side of the ball. Addressing last season’s defensive woes, the Profiteer$ had used two first round draft choices on defenses – the Vikings and the Giants, and started the Vikes in this game. Thomas had chosen to stand pat with his Cowboy D. Where the Vikings stripped 18 points from the Bock Boys, Thomas would have actually been better to forego “defense” altogether, as his Cowpokes actually coughed up 5 points to the Oilmen (450 yards allowed, no sacks, no t/o’s).

There were offensive players worth mentioning. P.W.O.P. kicker Lawrence Tynes led all position players with 12 points, QB Phil Rivers had 6, and WR Marquez Colston had 5. The Bock Boys were led by WR Greg Jennings’ 9 points, kicker David Akers’ 8, and RB Marion Barber’s 7.

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The Naughty Figs and the Anderson Brewmeisters know how former Navy coach Eddie Erdelatz felt, as what seemed like two days of football produced no winner. Nobody lost, and nobody won. In a mediocre performance, where the two defenses largely negated each other and no position player besides Brewmeisters’ kicker Ryan Longwell (10) posted double digits, the “highlights” were 9 points from Figs RB Frank Gore, 7 from Brewmeisters QB Peyton Manning and Figs WR Roy Williams, and 6 from Brewsky RB Brian Westbrook and Figs kicker Stephen Gostkowski. The Brewmeisters, looking to shore up a poor receiving corps, managed only 4 total from their three wideouts, newcomer LaVeranues Coles catching but one pass for a single point.

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It was a bad day to be a Raze fan at En Fiego Field Sunday, as the Piana faithful quickly found out. Irwin’s Philly D came ready to play, and play they did. In a performance which earned them Defense of the Week honors (to say the least), the Eagles gave up but 169 yards, grabbed 5 interceptions and 5 sacks, took another two turnovers on fumbles (one of which went to the house) and also scored on an 85 yard punt return. Only the mercy rule, which prevents the losing team from going negative, left the final margin of victory at 35. Chris’s QB Donovan McNabb scored 10 for the Hellions, before leaving the game with a broken rib, and three other Hellions (RB’s Kevin Smith and DeAngelo Williams, and kicker Nate Kaeding) added 7’s for the victors.

Brian’s Raze didn’t play particularly well; but, if you’re going to have a bad game, you might as well have it when it doesn’t matter. Receiver Reggie Wayne had game-high honors, with 11 points, but no other Raze player came within 2 of kicker Jason Elam’s 5, which in itself was nothing to get excited about. Brian’s quarterback woes from last season continued into the first game of this one, as Matt Schaub could muster only a single point, while Ben Roethlisberger fumed on the bench with 8. Other bench players had good games for the Raze, but on Sunday, against an inspired Eagles D, it mattered not who Brian started.

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Adrian Peterson (MIN) tried mightily to carry The Pimps in their home opener against the Colossal Waste of Time. Peterson ran for 180 yards, scored three times, and had 18 yards receiving; but, his 19 game-high points were not enough, as the Time Wasters pulled out a 1 point win to start the 2009 season.

The Jodys got good performance from RB Cedric Benson, who led his team with 9 points, and from quarterback Aaron Rodgers (8) and new kicker Steven Hauscka, with 7 (where does Jody get all these Polaks and Arabs, anyway?). But the game really seemed to turn on the play of Russ’s Texans defense. Taken in the 5th round as a cheap (in every sense of the word, apparently) bye week replacement for the Dolphins, The Texans actually gave away the two point home field advantage – although a DTD did serve to keep the game close. On the bright side, they did allow the Pimps’ new receiver, Jericho Cotchery, to catch 90 yards in passes, for 5 points. And even with the horrible play of their defense, the game was still winnable for the Pimps. In the 4th quarter, Pimps receiver Randy Moss posted 141 yards catching, for 7 points. But alas, Moss could not find the endzone with any of his 12 catches, leaving the Pimps 1 point short.

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Behind quarterback Drew Brees’ 6 TD tosses (yes, you read it right) and 358 passing yards for a league best 23 points, the Sims Stereco hammered the Abstract Machines 44 – 27. Brees through endzone strikes to Stereco receivers Larry Fitzgerald (7 points) and Chris Cooley (6), and Stereco kicker Neil Rackers racked up another 11 points in a statement game that should tell the rest of the league that this Stereco is no ordinary crap. In what has to be chalked up to bad scheduling karma, the Machines would have actually beaten 7 of the other 9 teams Sunday. Mike f is left to either find some measure of solace in that, or pull his hair out. Machines QB Tom Brady got untracked and played a fine game by any yardstick not named Brees, as he had two TD tosses in a 12 point performance which led the losers. Ten year veteran Thomas Jones (11 points) rambled for 107 yards and two scores, and kicker Jake Reed added 7 points.

Defense was a non-factor. Even though both Sims’ Jets (15 against) and Mike’s Titans (16 against) had excellent games, they only cancelled each other out and served as counterpoints to the excellent offensive fireworks.

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