Week 5 kicks off with an Eastern Division battle of First versus Worst as The 3-1 Pimps host the 0-4 Sims Stereco. The Feathered Ones are coming off an inspired road win over the Anderson Brewmeisters, and they have upped their division record to 2-0. Jon Kitna has been a revelation to a franchise that has lacked a dominant quarterback in recent years, and rumors of the Bear defense's demise have been greatly exaggerated. The Stereco, conversely, are reeling; following a narrow defeat to Jody last week, they've already lost as many games in four weeks this season as they did in thirteen weeks last year. Only Brett Favre and Joseph Addai have displayed big-play potential this season, and Sims will need more starters to elevate their game if they're to compete for playoff spot in the second half of the season.

After losing six straight to The Pimps from 2003 to 2005, the Stereco finally broke though with a season sweep last year and are hoping to push that streak to three. Anything less will result in a franchise first: an 0-5 start.

victims of the bye week:
Sims – none
Pimps – RB Peterson

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The first of three interdivisional contests pit Pirk's Wicked Oil Profiteer$ against the Naughty Figs in a battle of 2-2 teams. Despite having its starting QB score negative points last week, P.W.O.P. earned an important divisional win over the Abstract Machines to even its record. The Figs are coming off a heart-breaking, 1-point road loss to the Piana Raze and are eager to put that game behind them. The Profiteer$ are likely to put Tony Romo back in the huddle, but who will be in there with him remains unclear. Rudi Johnson will miss his second straight game (bye), and Cadillac Williams was lost for the season last week, leaving only Reggie Bush to man the backfield. The FIgs are also banged up, with LaMont Jordon, Javon Walker, and Anquan Boldin all nursing injuries.

This sometimes contentious series is all tied up following an 11-0 shutout pitched by Pirk in Week 13 of last season – a win that ultimately put the Profiteer$ into the playoffs.

victims of the bye week:
P.W.O.P. – RB Johnson, K Graham
Figs – RB Jordan, K Akers

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The Abstract Machines and Jody's Colossal Waste of Time renew a rivalry that has escalated thanks to playoff meeting in each of the past two years. The Machines topped Jody to Win Super Bowl IX in 2005, but dropped a two-point road decision to the C.W.O.T. during Wild Card Week of last season. Neither team has gotten off to a hot start in 2007. At 1-3, the Machines are off to their worst start since 2002, but it's certainly not Tom Brady's fault. The superstar QB has scored 12 or more points in every contest thus far, but his supporting cast has been far less than stellar. Jody has struggled on offense as well, particularly with Steven Jackson having only 11 points on the season. While the recent emergence of Ronnie Brown has certainly helped, the C.W.O.T. will be playing this game without Carson Palmer and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, who rank second and third in scoring for the Pewter & Black.

victims of the bye week:
Machines -- none
Jody – QB Palmer, REC Houshmandzadeh

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En Fuego Field and the Piana Raze welcome the Irwin Hellions to town for an important Western Division showdown. The Hellions put up a serious fight last against the division-leading Bock Boys, but they ultimately fell short and dropped to 2-2. The Raze played horribly in Week 3, but nonetheless managed to steal a home victory over the Figs and move to 3-1. Piana still has yet to score a rushing touchdown, and they actually went to a run-and-shoot last week in hopes of sparking the rest of the offense (a move that almost seemed to backfire). Irwin has some firepower on its own roster, but a lot of it will not see the field this week. Andre Johnson is still doubtful following a Week 2 injury, and Donovan McNabb and Chad Johnson must sit this one out on bye.

victims of the bye week:
Irwin – QB McNabb, REC C. Johnson, REC Brown, DEF Philadelphia
Piana – none

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And after what seems like months of buildup, we're finally here: Thomas v. Anderson in a smackdown battle of Beer-based clubs. At a perfect 4-0, the Bock Boys are the surprise of the league, having already won more games this season that all of last. Yet at 1-3, the Brewmeisters are arguably just as surprising, given that they've already lost as many games in four weeks that thy lost in fifteen last season.

It's not hard to spot what has turned the Bock Boys around. Quite simply, Randy Moss has returned. The lighting-rod receiver has scored 11, 12, 11, and 12 points through the first four games. Marion Barber and Plaxico Burress have also seen a surge in their numbers. Throw in a stout Patriot/Cowboy defensive tandem, bench Rex Grossman for good, and you have a recipe for success.

The Brewmeisters have had a similar recipe for years by throwing out Peyton Manning, LaDainian Tomlinson, Brian Westbrook, Torry Holt, and Steve Smith every week. Well, Manning's been as good as advertised, but the other four studs have seen a bit of a drop-off thus far in 2007. Westbrook – a late scratch for last week's loss to The Pimps – will be sitting this one out on bye, leaving one less weapon for the Brew Krew to counter Thomas' new found offense.

After weeks of smack-talk, it's time to shut up and play the game. May the better beer – err, team – win.

victims of the bye week:
Thomas – QB Russell
Anderson – RB Westbrook, REC Curtis

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