The “How Dare You Play Me A  Man Short” Game

In what would normally be considered the ultimate show of disrespect, Pirkle’s Wicked Oil Profiteers opted to play Jody’s C.W.O.T. a man short, taking the field with only 2 receivers rather than try to find a one-week replacement for Marques Colston.  Refusing to accept the advantage, however, the Jodys responded by throwing to only two of their own receivers.  Reggie Williams was ignored the whole game, posting no receptions and no fantasy points.  P.W.O.P won anyway, 37-12, and in the process salvaged a measure of pride for the Western Division.  The Profiteers were led by receiver Hines Ward, who more than made up for the missing Colston with a season-best (by far) 18 points, but after Ward only quarterback Phil Rivers (7) contributed more than 5 points for the winners.  It was the newly acquired Denver Broncos D that made the biggest contribution, taking 25 points away from the hapless C.W.O.T.  Carson Palmer did manage to throw for a season-best 11 points for the losers, and kicker Josh Brown added another 7; but once again, the inconsistent Carolina Panthers defense let the Jodys down, managing only 4 takeaway points. 

The win for the Profiteers gives both teams identical 4-3 records.  While this is good enough to put P.W.O.P. in first place in the Western Division, C.W.O.T. is not so fortunate, dropping to 3rd place in the East, 2 games back of the Brewmeisters. 

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The “PM Still Has Your Number” Game

In the weekend’s highest scoring contest, the Brewmeisters beer wagon kept right on a rollin’, once again posting the week’s high score – this time at the expense of the Piana Raze.  Led by Peyton Manning’s 19, Brian Westbrook (14) and LaDanian Tomlinson (11) rounded out a 44 point backfield game by the Brew Crew.  Only Santana Moss (1), who left the game early with a hamstring injury, failed to contribute meaningful points for the winners.  But the Raze refused to go quietly.  Running back Larry Johnson matched Westbrook’s 14, and Adam Vinatieri kicked for another 13 in a second consecutive best game of the season for the Raze.  When the foam had settled, however, there were no Matt Leinhart points to be tallied, as 2 pics negated a 203 yard passing day for the rookie QB.  As the defenses had largely fought to a standoff (Raze’s Bengals – 10, Anderson’s Chargers – 6), this ultimately proved fatal for Brian. 

The win keeps the Brewmeisters atop the Eastern Division, with a 6-1 record. Their sixth win also makes the Brew Krew playoff eligible after just seven weeks of competition. Piana’s loss puts the Raze at 3-3-1, in a tie for 2nd in the West, but just ½ game back. 

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The “Not Now, Not Ever” Game

Those Naughty Figs pulled out all the stops in an attempt to get their first ever win over the Irwin Hellions, forcing them to play the game at the University of Alaska.  For awhile, it looked as though the plan was going to work; that is, until Figs quarterback Matt Hasselbeck went down with a severely sprained knee early in the second half, finishing with only 6 points.  Without a signal caller at that point, the Figs could do no better than another near miss.  In a series that is the league standard for futility, the Figs have now lost to the Hellions in each of their 8 meetings. 

The Hellions had looked anything but invincible coming into the game.  And, sure enough, the backfield once more failed to get the job done, with Edge James (4) and DeShaun Foster (2) combining for a paltry 6 points.  Defensively, Irwin’s Eagles managed only not to hurt the team, scoring 9 takeaway points.  But then, with a performance the likes of which are making him this season’s prime candidate for league MVP, quarterback Donovan McNabb pulled the Hellion’s fat out of the fire with another “routine” 300 yard, 3 touchdown game.  His 13 points (which actually brought DOWN his league-leading average slightly), would have been even more had it not been for the 3 passes which were caught by Tampa Bay defenders.  For the Figs, running back Kevin Jones (10) posted his fourth straight score of 9 or more, and kicker Neil Rackers chipped in another 9, but missed what would have been a game-winning (for the Naughties) 49 yard field goal. 

The Hellions avert a potentially disastrous loss to even their record at 3-3-1, in the process moving into a tie for 2nd place in the closely contested Western Division.  The Figs, however, are now alone in the Eastern Division cellar at 2-5, and facing the ever dimming prospect of having to go 4 – 2 to reach playoff eligibility. 

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The “I Thought We Were Playing Six-Man” Game

In what was easily the ugliest game of the weekend, the Thomas Bock Boys put up less points with a full squad than their opponent did with a roster short two receivers, thereby losing their game with the Sims Stereco.  With the Bock Boys having their best two players on bye, Sims apparently decided his best six would be enough; and, as it turned out, he was right.  Other than Plax Burress’ 8 points, no other Bock Boys position player scored more than two.  Before his Patriots D put up a 15 points-against score, Thomas was in danger of establishing a new season low for total points in a game.  Meanwhile, and for the second week in a row, Sims’ defense was M.I.A.  This time it was the Jacksonville Jaguars, with only 2 points against.  Two weeks removed from a 29 point performance against the Brewmeisters, the Jags left number two all over the floor of the Astrodome Sunday.  Only season best performances from quarterback Michael Vick (15) and running back Tatum Bell (10) kept Chris in this game.   

One more loss has the Bock Boys sharing the Western Division cellar, and with a 2-5 record needing to go 4-2 over the next six weeks to qualify for the playoffs.  Meanwhile, Sims keeps on winning, somehow, and is now 5-2, alone in second place in the East. 

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The “Thank God I Didn’t Start Ernest Wilford” Game

In what had to be the most bizarre set of events of the weekend, the Pimps not only found a defense that could stand in for the bye week Bears, they managed to beat the Abstract Machines by starting a receiver who did not take the field, instead of one who did. 

The Machines surely thought this was a great time to play the Pimps, with the league leading Chicago Bears defense on bye and running back Shaun Alexander still on the bench with a broken foot.  But lo and behold!  The Pimps picked up the Arizona Cardinals off waivers, and didn’t miss a beat.  More than taking up the slack from the 20 ppg Bears, the Cardinals took a crash course in the Pimps defensive playbook, and put up a dominating 23 points-against effort, with 2 interceptions, 3 fumble recoveries, and 5 sacks (unless you’re Brian, you’ve got to wonder how the Cardinals managed to lose).  Offensively, the Pimps got solid contributions from Jake Delhomme (9), Corey Dillon (8), and kicker Jake Reed (8).  For the Machines, Tom Brady, Marvin Harrison, and Darryl Jackson put up a dime each in losing cause.  The second string Brown defense didn’t play badly, putting up 10 takeaway points; however, the game ultimately swung on Russ’s decision to start receiver Donte Stallworth, who was injured and on the bench for the third straight game, in place of Ernest Wilford, who did play but had a fumble to go with 26 yards receiving.  Stallworth’s zero counted, Wilford’s -1 did not, and that was all it took to keep the game from ending in a tie.  Games are won and lost in many ways, but a few creativity points must go to Russ this week. 

The Pimps are 3-4, in 3rd place in the East and three games back, but still in the hunt for a wild card playoff berth.  The Machines have got to be wondering when the nightmare is going to end, as they’ve now lost four in a row after starting 2-1, and are in danger of going from the Super Bowl to the Draft Bowl.

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